Discernment Counseling in the Faith-Based Community

Jun 2

People unhappy in marriage often believe their only option is divorce. Once they file, they find themselves on a “divorce superhighway – with no off-ramps or exit signs,” to quote a respected judge in Minnesota. However, thinking about divorce does not have to mean a death sentence for a marriage. A couple can get help to determine the best path for them before making a life-changing decision. There’s a strategy called discernment counseling that provides clarity, allowing couples to move forward with confidence that they have considered all options.

Dr. Russell M. Berg, D. Min., Director of Pastoral Training and Church Development at 2Restored ministry, has worked with more than 450 at-risk couples in his 40+ years of pastoral ministry. As a crisis marriage counselor and reconciliation coach trainer, he’s led 500 participants to complete 2Restored’s faith-based discernment training.

Dr. Berg was a key participant and lead pastor in utilizing the work of the Crisis Marriages in Faith Communities Project led by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., (Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project) and Dr. George Kenworthy, M. Div., D. Min., Founder and President of 2Restored. Dr. Kenworthy and Dr. Amanda Boyd led the effort to develop the training program to teach clergy this new divorce intervention tool. Dr. Berg taught the first pastor’s training in divorce intervention and focused his doctoral work on a six-month follow-up study researching its effectiveness.

Dr. Berg has had a long-standing desire to impact the Minnesota Family Court system by encouraging the use of an innovative process to prevent unnecessary divorce. This screening process called The Pause Program would have allowed couples to explore divorce indecision after filing. The Pause Program began with a personal friendship between Judge James Dehn (retired Senior Judge – Isanti County) and Judge Deborah Hedlund (retired Senior Court Judge Hennepin County). Both encouraged and helped Dr. Berg lay the foundation for an evidence-based pilot program in Isanti County.

The goal was to study the efficacy of The Pause Program and identify and help guide couples who desired to explore the possibility of saving their marriage. It would have allowed couples to pause their proceedings to give them time to make sure divorce was their best and only option. Judge Bruce Peterson had likened Minnesota’s no fault, no waiting period divorce process to a “Divorce Superhighway,” with no off-ramps or exit signs.

In February 2000, Dr. Berg met with Senator Warren Limmer who chaired the judiciary committee in Minnesota to ask for support for several evidence-based pilot programs in other county courts to study the feasibility of the Pause Program. Dr. Berg presented at the Maple Grove Mayor’s Prayer Breakfast, training events, and met personally with Minneapolis family law attorneys and mediators, seeking to encourage and inspire those working in the legal field to consider the pivotal role they play in helping surface divorce indecision in their clients — even those who are just minutes away from signing their papers — and suggesting they advise couples to pause to consider reconciliation, where appropriate.

A 2008 study that involved 2400 divorcing parents found that in up to 43 %, one or both spouses still held some hope the marriage could be saved and would have been interested in court-offered reconciliation options, Dr. Berg said. (Family Law Review, Spring 2011: Interest In Reconciliation Among Divorcing Parents, Doherty And Harris)

“Don’t leave God’s hope on the table.”

“There’s a lot more indecision (than people realized) – even far down the decision making tree,” he said. “We believe every spouse deserves the dignity to exercise the option to slow the process down,” he continued. “One of the values an attorney brings is to remind them of all their options as they face irrevocable decisions, not just facilitate the divorce process.”

Dr. Berg’s organization created resources to help attorneys screen and refer for divorce ambivalence, including a four-question survey developed by Judge Tim Philpot (Lexington, KY) and Dr. Doherty. Attorneys can add these questions to their intake form to help gauge divorce readiness. Dr. Berg also suggested attorneys could train a paralegal staff member to complete the screening with clients in an impartial and respectful way, checking to ensure they both agree that divorce is their best and only option before they make an irrevocable legal decision. Then the attorneys can adjust, confident they are providing the best legal service to their client.

“Don’t leave God’s hope on the table,” Dr. Berg said.

Training Pastors

Dr. Berg completed his doctoral dissertation on divorce intervention training for clergy. He translates his experience to the faith community —training pastors, counselors, mediators, therapists, and marriage mentors in a divorce intervention technique called Faith-Based Discernment Counseling. He was selected as one of 12 pastors on a task force who met for 18 months under the direction of Dr. Kenworthy and Dr. Doherty to discover how the faith community could use the specific therapy protocol called Discernment Counseling to surface divorce indecision and clarify a couple’s openness to exploring reconciliation if they desired.

Dr. Berg works to help pastors build their confidence and competency in helping troubled couples. Many pastors, especially those in small congregations, are thrust into the role of first responder when a couple faces marital difficulties. Dr. Berg’s course in crisis counseling models how to bring a calm, non-anxious, confident presence into the situation.

The Crisis Marriages in Faith Communities Task Force started with the secular Discernment Counseling model developed by Dr. Doherty and began to adapt it to the needs of the faith community. 2Restored took the work of the task force and created a training manual and teaching videos to equip clergy to lead a couple through the initial crisis toward a solid counseling referral to a competent crisis marriage counselor. Then they reached out to denominations and pastors in the Twin Cities area, building on their existing relationships.

“Many pastors said it’s probably the first time they had a tool and an approach when a crisis couple comes to them,” Dr. Berg said. “What couples desperately need is someone calm, clear, confident, and Christ-like to walk them through their story.”

The group paid particular attention to those churches that already valued effective marriage ministry and were interested in creating an even more robust support system. Dr. Berg believes churches need to focus on three main objectives to strengthen marriages: start well with effective premarital education, support well through marriage enrichment and encouragement, and provide a safety net when marriages struggle.

“We suggest making a clear and accessible pathway for couples when asking for help,” he said. He mentioned a crucial component for marriage support is to train peers to connect with and mentor other couples. He also stressed the need for churches to carefully vet the counselors to whom they refer, making sure they recommend a network or ministry that is trusted. He references the words of Dr. Doherty that traditional marriage counseling as found in most communities is not sufficient to help crisis marriages make it.

“Well-trained marriage mentors in the faith community can be very effective,” he said. Discernment Counseling is not about the counselor making the discernment, Dr. Berg clarifies, it is about providing the opportunity for the couple to discern whether there is hope for their marriage or not. Technically it is not therapy, because it is not solving anything, he said. The reconciliation coach guides the couple through a conversation to determine whether they are absolutely sure divorce is their best and only option. He likens it to triage -– the counseling before the counseling.

“Marital therapy is often not successful because spouses are not on the same page about their awareness, willingness and ability to make the changes necessary to make the marriage healthy again and good for both of them,” Dr. Berg said. “These decisions are irrevocable. We owe them the dignity to present all the options before them.”

He did caution that the discernment process is not designed for couples with a history of physical violence or serious mental health issues. “We don’t encourage anyone to stay in a dangerous situation,” he stressed.

Dr. Berg’s goal: to get the Discernment Process into every church.

“If we want to do something significantly good to increase the number of healthy families, we have to work together,” he said. “Those who care about marriages must be cooperative and co-belligerents in the fight against unnecessary divorces. The rising tide lifts all boats.”

An example of Dr. Berg’s Discernment Counseling process:

Dr. Russ Berg has spent more than 45 years as a pastor, 21 of which were as lead pastor, with the last 10 focusing on couples at risk.

He gives an example of the process he follows when someone calls him for help with his/her struggling marriage.

“I’ll get a call from the leaning-in spouse. (one who wants to save the marriage). I think, ‘How do I work through this conversation to validate their pain but not be biased toward their perspective?’ I want to assure them of God’s present help and listen for small parts of how they are doing without allowing them to share the whole narrative. I look for some indication of their level of motivation and that of their spouse.

I’ll search for clarity, asking questions like, ‘If your marriage were a balloon, does the distress you feel seem like a pin pop or a slow leak (acute or chronic).’ Then I’ll ask, ‘Do you think you could invite your spouse who is leaning out to meet with me JUST ONE TIME?’

“I’ll coach the leaning-in spouse how to invite in calmness and humility. I encourage them to validate their spouse’s apprehensions even in the invitation, words like, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ ‘I met someone who works a lot with couples who are in the place we are.’ ‘Will you go JUST ONE TIME to listen to see if we can get some help? We can talk after the meeting to decide if it is for us.’”

Dr. Berg works to create an environment of unqualified respect and dignity that each individual does not have to earn. “I’ll tell the leaning-out spouse, ‘You took a big risk to come.’ ‘Thank you both for coming.’ ‘Your stories are both important.’ ‘I’d like to look at what happened to your marriage to bring it to a place where there is so much pain.’”

Dr. Berg often starts with asking the husband and wife to create a marriage map on a whiteboard of their mile markers, asking, “Where and why is the marriage in trouble from your perspective?” He’ll ask, “How did you get here?” “What have you done?” “What has and hasn’t worked?”

“I help couples create an environment where each can share their part of their story in their own voice, with no one being blamed or taking sides, so the truthfulness can be heard without any hiding or embellishment. I’ll try to get a read if they have a hard problem (addiction, abuse, affair) or a soft problem (loss of affection, feeling disconnected or dissatisfied),” he said.

“They are very aware of their horizontal narrative, but the marriage map illuminates the vertical narrative – what was happening to their spouse. They work together to put their story down with someone who is a safe, impartial reconciliation coach to help them understand each of their parts in the story and what they may have contributed to the marital distress.

“I assure them I’m not there to tell them what to do, just to get clarity on one of the most important decisions of their lives. I make empathetic statements: ‘I am hearing things that are painful.’ ‘It makes sense to me how painful that might be for you.’ The other spouse is watching me model listening and affirming their partner. The story is what it is, it will not be used against them.”

Dr. Berg clarifies, “My attitude does not mean I condone unhealthy or immoral behavior, but for purposes of the session, clarity, not complete agreement on the narrative, is what’s initially important. They need to be heard. I am affirming their pain and confusion, not their perspective. Addressing change or sinful behavior comes later in counseling. This is an especially important factor for the leaning-out spouse, who may not know if they want to stay in the marriage as it is.”

“Once the story map is laid out, we share their options for going forward.

They can choose one of three paths:

1) Stay the same and hope something changes

2) Move toward separation or divorce

3) Push the pause button on the direction of their marriage for six months to make sure they have not left God’s hope on the table. Six months is a long enough time to see if a couple is able to make some progress and demonstrate willingness or ability to learn how to make changes so the marriage can be healthy and good for both spouses.

“Then I usually tell them, ‘You agree on something already – path one is not an option. The relationship has to change because where it sits now is not good for either of you.’ This is an important agreement. Coming to counseling is an acknowledgment that the relationship cannot stay the same.

“The time limitation is important because the leaning-in spouse cannot drag their feet, and the leading-out spouse knows they are not locked into years of marriage counseling —often not for the first time. This is more hope-filled. Some may need to work on hard issues that surface like an addiction, a habit, adultery or an anger problem – something they need more help with on the side, but there is always hope. Couples all the time choose to invite God back into the struggle of saving their marriages, with good success.

Dr. Russ Berg

“I tell them, ‘You both matter. You infinitely matter to God, and you matter to me.’”

Dr. Berg is devoted to spreading a contagious passion to help the church change the culture of divorce in America, one marriage at a time. He has been married to his high school sweetheart, Melody, for 47 years. They have 2 married daughters and 5 grandchildren living in the Twin Cities area. He has been a pastor for over 45 years, 21 of which were spent as Senior Pastor at Maple Grove Evangelical Free Church in Maple Grove, Minnesota.