The Big Sister You’ve Always Wanted | Ashleigh Slater Shares Relationship Experiences to Inspire
How many times have you wished for a friend to confide in or ask for advice? Someone who was
just a little farther down the road in marriage or relationships? Consider Ashleigh Slater the big sister you always wanted. The author and podcaster shares stories in her work from her 20-year marriage and life raising four daughters to inspire and encourage.
Ashleigh’s written Team Us: The Unifying Power of Grace, Commitment, and Cooperation in Marriage, from which she gleans material for her first podcast series, and Braving Sorrow Together: The Transformative Power of Faith and Community When Life Is Hard. Ashleigh began writing music and media reviews for a national magazine at age 16. She earned a master’s degree in communication from Regent University in Virginia Beach. During this time, she met her husband, Ted, at church through a mutual friend. Ashleigh planned to pursue a career producing films and television shows. However, once the Slaters started their family, Ashleigh realized producing would not be conducive to her family-first priority, so she returned to her writing roots. She wrote a blog for newly married couples through Moody Publishing, drawing content from her life as she and Ted raised their girls, anecdotes that became the starting point for Team Us. The Slaters also began mentoring pre-married couples through their church.
“We offered insight into our own experience with couples who were just a little behind where we were,” she said. “We’d sit down and say, ‘Here’s stuff that’s worked for us. Give this a try.’”
One of the first things you’ll notice when you dig into her materials: the phrase, “I get it.” Ashleigh understands joys, frustrations, victories, defeats, certainties and doubts, because she’s lived them, too. Readers will identify with her vulnerable account of her experiences. But Ashleigh offers so much more than just commiseration. She applies biblical truth to every circumstance and moves forward with doable strategies and practical steps. And lest anyone think she’s telling tales out of school, Ted contributes his commentary in Team Us and its podcast.
“Ted speaks in his voice from his perspective,” Ashleigh said. “Husbands can feel the book is for them, too.” While she plans basic ideas for the podcast, she doesn’t script Ted.
Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and A Lifelong Love, says, “Team Us addresses one of the most important aspects of an intimate marriage: becoming one. With a whimsical and engaging style, Ashleigh Slater challenges us to build our 'team' with careful thought, perseverance, and commitment."
Team Us addresses conflict resolution and ways to exercise grace. The running theme throughout the book is unity. In her introduction, Ashleigh reminds couples that Adam and Eve were God’s first human team with a shared purpose. Because of the fall, “we struggle with the challenges of staying united,” she said.
She recommends couples face conflict from an “us” instead of a “me” perspective – how can I see your side and work through conflict in a way that strengthens our relationship? “Navigating conflict is an adventure. If you keep going, you have a sense of having tackled something together and coming out stronger,” she added.
Learn to identify if an issue is something worthy of addressing or just a passing irritation. Does the problem have long-term consequences? An example, Ashleigh loves celebrating birthdays; they are not as important to Ted. Year after year, she felt tension as she didn’t feel recognized in a meaningful way. Finally, the couple had a hard conversation and came up with a plan for making the next birthday different. Because they were brave enough to talk about it instead of glossing it over, they were able to turn the problem into a positive.
While both spouses need to make some adjustments to their routines once they marry, don’t expect your spouse to be able to immediately change, Ashleigh said. Old habits die hard. “Your single self does not automatically die when you get married,” Ashleigh said. Ted had a tendency to become immersed in his work and not realize the time, resulting in his coming home late for dinner. It took slow years of both adjusting their schedules and making changes before they were able to synch.
“Don’t get caught believing if someone doesn’t change immediately, they don’t love you and the marriage isn’t working out,” Ashleigh said. Have patience and affirm small steps. “None of us feel like changing if someone is criticizing all the time. Root for each other instead.”
Unity also means giving your spouse grace and believing the best about them. “It is so easy to have a misunderstanding and believe your spouse meant to hurt you,” she said. She uses the term, lighthearted marriage, which means not carrying grudges and being quick to forgive.
Ashleigh’s second book, Braving Sorrow Together, grew from her own grief when she experienced a miscarriage. The resource identifies ways people process loss differently so they can respect others’ perspectives and draw closer rather than apart during a season of sadness. While Ashleigh does address the Slaters’ own particular loss of a baby, the book applies to other situations: loss of dreams, loss of control, loss of a job, loss of a healthy life.
“Our culture doesn’t like to acknowledge grief,” she said. “I wasn’t afraid to share my own story, knowing there are no pat answers. God is the author of our stories, and we can trust him. Jesus said, ‘You are going to have trouble. Take courage, I am with you.’
“As you feel grief, remember God will work for your good. Don’t do it alone, bring in other people that you trust.” Ashleigh said people appreciated that she did not just give them easy answers. “You can’t fix it. Don’t just offer the platitude. Try to respect how and when others grieve, because we don’t all grieve in the same way. God can handle questions and doubts.”
She counts job loss as something that can shake a married couple. “Men in general identify more with their jobs,” she said, noting a wife can help her husband remember his true identity is in Christ, that he’s not a failure because he’s going through a job loss. Braving Sorrow Together offers practical assistance as a couple processes and figures out what’s next.
Ashleigh is finishing a new season of podcasts with fresh content to help people practically live out their marriage with intentionality. Connect with Ashleigh at https://ashleighslater.com.
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