Marriage Counselor/Coach Couple, Gil & Brenda Stuart, Encourage Fellow Blended Families with Universal Illustrations

May 2

There’s something special about great duos. Where would Fred Astaire have been without Ginger Rogers? Or Batman without Robin? The most effective partnerships combine individual strengths for a greater mutual outcome. Such is the dynamism of Brenda and Gil Stuart’s work over the past 18 years helping people with their relationships. Gil has his Master’s in Counseling degree from Multnomah University, as well as being a lay pastor. Brenda has a Certification in Transformational Coaching from Western Seminary and leads a team building organization. They both are certified as Prepare/Enrich assessment trainers.

As a counselor, Gil’s equipped to help a couple address issues rooted in the past — trauma, wounds, pain cycles. He likes to help people “unscramble the eggs from childhood and get in the weeds where the Holy Spirit works best,” he said. Conversely, coaches take a forward-looking perspective. Brenda motivates couples to create a plan of progressive steps and cheers them on as they meet goals. This coaching model appealed to the former professional ice skater and coach. Becoming certified was a natural fit. Together, the Stuarts’ comprehensive approach has brought encouragement and hope to 2000 couples and counting in more than 90 churches and 100 communities.

Brenda and Gil realized they needed help shortly after they married. They were blending six sons and a daughter in their second marriage and brought baggage from their undesired divorces. Twenty years ago they found resources pertaining to remarriage space. They started writing down and sharing things they learned with small groups — first at church, then in the county and state of Washington. They teamed up with Jeff Kemp at Families Northwest and wrote Restored & Remarried in 2009. Along the way, the Stuarts connected with Ron Deal, who leads Family Life Blended, and relationship influencers Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, to become encouragers to blended families, presenting at Family Life StepFamily Summits and Blended and Blessed events Subsequently, they have also guest hosted Marriage Team Radio.

“Remarriage has some different wrinkles and nuances,” Gil said. The Stuarts’ message is particularly effective because they are able to address issues from a first-hand perspective. “We could empathize with the pain people were feeling, and we wanted to help them not experience what we did,” Brenda added.

The divorce rate is higher in blended families because there are so many moving parts, Gil said. “People believe, ‘We found love again. We’re happy. The kids will be happy.’” It doesn’t take long for that to turn into, ‘What did we get ourselves into?’ Second marriages struggle because “they step onto a moving train, and there’s no time to catch up.” It’s different from a first-time marriage with no mortgage, children, alimony payments, co-parenting plans, kids leaving every other weekend. Gil tells couples they better develop a sense of humor and some flexibility.

“They’ve been married before, but they haven’t had a stepfamily. There are challenges they don’t know to navigate, things you don’t see coming until it’s on you,” Gil said. “By year two they are thinking, ‘This is way harder than I thought it would be.’”

Many are ashamed to ask for help. “They think, ‘Uh-oh, here we go again. I thought that was behind me.’ A lot of couples don’t take action, they just try to figure things out themselves.”

The strongest bond in a stepfamily system is the marriage. The Stuarts stress, “If you ain’t got the marriage, you ain’t got nothing.” They remind couples considering blending families that in a re-marriage, it is not just about the adults anymore. “You have to be sure you are making the right decision, that you’re picking the right person and you get it right,” Brenda emphasized.

Not all roads leading to remarriage come through divorce. A spouse may have died, leaving a phantom of their memory, which may have been wonderful, or not. Either way, remarriage whether due to divorce or death, enters through a doorway of pain. “People don’t realize how much grief is involved,” Gil said. “They’re grieving the loss of the last family. Every birth of a grandbaby, graduation or wedding is a reminder of the pain. It gets easier, but it never goes away.”

Despite the difficulties, the Stuarts offer hope for those in second marriages. “If we learned well from our mistakes, the new marriage can actually thrive and impact the next generation for good,” Gil said.

As those who have been very involved in churches throughout their lives, the Stuarts remark that they have been saddened to see the poor way so many in the church have handled divorced and remarried people. “So many people have left the church because of the way they have been treated,” Brenda said. “So many people don’t feel safe to go back to church. We are missing a mission field. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. People need Jesus. Their children need Jesus.”

Gil recently created a video series aimed at stepdads called Unsung Heroes. The eight videos were taped outdoors and include men engaging in activity appealing to them: sailing, chopping wood, golfing, to illustrates each episode’s theme. Gil states a problem, explains the issue and provides wise solution ideas. The 15-minute segments can be streamed from a phone or from the website, closecompanions.org. Brenda suggests women watch as well. “Men can’t explain their problems to their wives because they don’t understand what they are feeling,” she said. Gil helps men put their feelings into words.

The Stuarts joke about having “dirt under their fingernails” from their own background. But they’ve also worked with couples for almost two decades, as well as being certified and licensed. “We have time and credentials,” Brenda said.

Six years ago, the Stuarts broadened their scope to reach all couples, not just specifically those remarried. “We like the knee-to-knee work, counseling one-on-one,” Gil said. This Fall they traveled to Vietnam to teach relationship skills to entrepreneurs living in the Asian country. The Stuarts took advantage of the trip to reach out in the community and share the gospel as they taught values and team building. They met an expat European couple with a one-year-old baby who were struggling. The Stuarts recently heard from them that because of their counsel, not only was the couple still together, they were expecting another baby!” Brenda said. “We just show up and see what God wants to do,” Gil added.

They use the term marriage illustrators to describe their style, as they paint word pictures and act out examples to help people retain and remember their material. They’ll explain a complicated issue with a visual image. “People remember what they see,” Gil said. Brenda noted physical illustrations remain relevant across cultures.

“If we learned well from our mistakes, the new marriage can actually thrive and impact the next generation for good.”

— Gil

The Stuarts travel with props like a set of collapsible cardboard bricks. They use the bricks to physically build a wall before an audience. The wall can be a divider that becomes between a couple or a unifier.

Let the wall represent a great marriage, with each brick naming a foundational piece like love, respect, commitment to Christ, conversations.

A challenge is out there – for example a child who’s being disrespectful. What are we going to do about it?” The Stuarts suggest couples choose to get behind the wall together to protect the relationship.

The mortar holding the bricks together is safety. They’ll ask, “How safe do you feel to share the hard stuff in your relationship?” “Safety and trust are two sides of the same coin,” Gil said. “Safety is so important – if I don’t feel safe, then I’m not going to give you the precious jewels of my heart that would reinforce the wall we can get behind together.” They ask couples to write words describing their marriages on their own bricks and note couples have told them they painted their personal great marriage wall in their house to help them remember.

A hula hoop illustrates conflict resolution. Brenda will stand in the hula hoop, as the Stuarts role play an argument. As Gil tries to connect with Brenda, she depicts someone hurt or angry and raises the hula hoop like a force field to prevent him from getting close to her. It isn’t until he starts to listen for understanding and validate her words that she lowers the hoop so he can slide in to join her.

“The problem is never the problem – it’s how we feel about it. Good communication isn’t all about the head, it’s about the heart,” Gil said. The Stuarts speak at retreats and hold workshops, seminars, and marriage intensives, which they describe as providing as much one-on-one counseling in three days as a couple would get in six months.

To expand their reach, Gil and Brenda created Marriage Boutique Events, where they partner with local businesses in their community to offer a date night. They’ll share a concept and leave time for a couple to talk and connect. Popular themes have included Coffee and Couples (held at a coffee shop), Beer and your Babe (at a local pub), and Marriage and Merlot (held at a winery.)

“When I see people not waste their pain and take their story and redeem it, that shows God working! If we can help one couple, I’m in. ”

— Brenda

“We wanted to reduce the reasons people wouldn’t come,” Gil said. People who might not come to church will meet at a winery or coffee shop. One dating couple they met at a coffee shop so engaged with the Stuarts they not only eventually sat with them to do their pre-marriage work, but had Gil officiate their marriage (which included blending families.) “Every time we present, we have a prayer team covering it,” Brenda said, “and we go in Jesus’ name.”

For those not in the Pacific Northwest and unable to meet with the Stuarts in person, they created streaming videos and a workbook to accompany Restored & Remarried. They’ll set the topic of each short, less than 10-minute clip and leave plenty of time for people to talk together. There’s strength in community, Brenda said. “Once those in blended families are with their people there’s no lack of conversation. There’s a quick affinity when they are in a place of pain.”

The Stuarts note what energizes them most is when they see a couple ready to divorce or throw in the towel make a shift. “It’s going to impact their legacy, their kids and grandkids. They were willing to put in the work. When I see people not waste their pain and take their story and redeem it, that shows God working! If we can help one couple, I’m in. We’re good,” Brenda said.

“It’s inspiring and humbling to be part of something bigger than myself.” Gil added. “It can be hard being in the trenches with people sometimes. They are hurting so bad and believing Satan’s lies, not who Christ says they are. Because of Christ’s stripes, we are healed. When they believe that in their heart and put it into action, that’s when redemption happens. God gets the glory.”