Marriage Matters Now | Steve and Debbie Wilson Caution Against Marriage-Sapping “Mosquitoes”

Sep 19

Bzzzz… Ouch! Most of us recognize the familiar whine of a mosquito. Sometimes, the bloodthirsty pests become so irritating they prevent us from enjoying outdoor activities. Just as the pesky mosquito diminishes the joy of a summer evening, so too, do the “mosquitoes” of distraction suck the life out of a marriage, according to the founders of Marriage Matters Now, Inc., Debbie and Steve Wilson. While Steve has been on staff of churches for 30 years working with youth and adults, this is the couple’s 18th year leading marriage conferences full time.

The authors and speakers wrote their book, 8 Mosquitoes that Drain the Life out of Marriage and Relationships, from content originally published in 2007 to explain how things like busyness, lack of communication and wounds from the past can wear people down until a marriage is lifeless and dull. If problems persist, they can push a couple to the breaking point. Steve and Debbie experienced this pattern themselves at the 12-year mark in their own marriage. They had thrown themselves into ministry, giving all their energy to their congregation, on top of raising three young children.

“Looking back at it, we jumped into ministry not marriage,” Debbie said. “We thought if we loved each other and loved the Lord, marriage would take care of itself. We had no tools, and we didn’t know how to find our way back to each other.”

The Wilson’s were mentally and physically exhausted. One night, instead of vegging out to Johnny Carson after a long evening leading youth, Debbie had had enough. She told Steve, “If this is what marriage is, I don’t know if I want it anymore.”

“I was drowning. I felt like I’d rather be lonely and alone than be lonely right next to him.”

Back then there weren’t resources for marriages like there are now, Debbie said. “There was no one to turn to. No church talked about marriage. You faked it until you made it, or you broke.” They stayed up all night talking and taking their problems before the Lord. Steve remembered, “It was the worst day of my life. I thought, ‘Not only would l lose my wife and kids, I’d lose my job.’ But if not for the 12-year mark, we wouldn’t have the healthy emotional marriage together we have today. It was the worst day of my life, but the beginning of the best.”

They started nurturing their relationship and spending quality time together. When that became comfortable, and they felt safe enough with each other to open up, they began unpacking the wounds and hurts each brought into marriage.

“One of our greatest joys of marriage is we get to help heal the hurts in our mates we did not cause. That has made our marriage greater than we ever expected it to be,” Debbie said, “that we could be that sweet salve to each other’s hearts.”

As the Wilsons made it through the crisis and came out stronger on the other side (they’ve now been married 45 years), they determined to share what they learned with others. Steve earned a master’s degree in marriage and family counseling, and they began leading pre-marital classes. Soon, other pastors began asking them to bring their message to marriage conferences or date night events. They founded Marriage Matters Now in 2000. The Wilsons believe Steve’s track record of being a minister on staff at churches for decades speaks loudly of their credibility.

“Pastors feel confident he’s not going to say something that is not biblical,” Debbie added. And they are frequently asked to return. “We encourage people but point them to Christ,” Steve said. “Anyone can change behavior for a couple of months, but only God can change the heart.” Every one of their Marriage Matters Now marriage conferences concludes with an invitation that couples would allow Jesus to come into their lives and a prayer that God would change hearts. “It’s pretty amazing what that does,” Steve said.

He also recognized that people need an opportunity to respond to what they’ve heard at a conference. The Wilsons include time during which each spouse can pray with thanksgiving for the gift of the other. “It’s powerful,” he added. Even senior adults who’ve been married for decades have told him, “That’s the first time I’ve heard my spouse pray for me out loud.”

Their original conference material developed into the 8 Mosquitos book, which is written as a workbook with questions to encourage couples to do some deeper digging.

The Wilsons begin by identifying the things that were “biting” their marriage:

1) busyness.

2) irritability

3) thought life, how you believe lies from the past

4) drifting apart

5) finances

6) lack of accountability and community

7) broken sexual intimacy

8) unforgiveness

As churches continued inviting the Wilsons to return, they’ve expanded their content. Communication: The Missing Piece of the Marriage Puzzle is the theme of their second book and conference.

“This is where Steve and I did the hard work of digging to the place where we were emotionally married,” Debbie said. Other topics include A New Way to Love, which unpacks what a godly marriage looks like based on Philippians, and An Intentional Marriage (10 Things Every Spouse Need). An Intentional Marriage, (10 Things Every Spouse Needs) offers outside-of-the-box ideas how to meet the needs of your mate.

“We encourage people but point them to Christ. Anyone can change behavior for a couple of months, but only God can change the heart.”

— Steve Wilson

“It's the little day-to-day things that go unnoticed and neglected — spending intentional time together, feeling valued by each other, praying for and over each other. These are not behavioral things, they are gifts your spouse needs from you,” Debbie said.

The Wilsons have led marriage conferences in Peru, Nicaragua and Honduras and mentor pastors and wives serving as missionaries there.

“God gives us the opportunity to go wash their feet and pour worth and value into what they do,” Steve said. “They are such servants and give and give. They are starving. They can’t get enough (of their content).” Because the Wilsons personally have experienced what it is like to pour themselves out to others, they are able to minister to other pastors experiencing marital distress or burnout who feel like they have no place to turn.

“We are safe and confidential, and we know what they’ve been through,” Steve said. He’s heard from pastors who are depressed, lost in their ministry and exhausted. “Having spent 30 years on staff screams credibility,” Steve added. “I know where you’ve been and what you are going through. We listen to them, validate them and give them little, practical ways they can relieve their burdens.”

“Everybody has a story,” Debbie said. “It is easy for Steve and me to put the pieces together to understand how they got there. We’ll ask them to tell us the top two or three things they need help with immediately. If we don’t know how to guide them, we pray with them and for them. For a lot of ministers and their wives we are that phone call they can make when they need encouragement. They know we are safe for them to ask for help. I’m amazed at the hurt that is going on in hearts, yet we can keep bringing honor and glory to God amidst the pain.”

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

— Debbie Wilson

They’ve noticed how church structure can lend itself to creating narcissistic pastors. “These men who are exalted in their churches come home and want that same pedestal. They are not being a dad and husband who is loving his family well,” Debbie said. “What you do Monday through Saturday gives you the right to speak on Sunday.” Steve agreed, “So many pastors come from dysfunctional families or had absent fathers. I literally am a father to some of these guys. I’ll tell them, ‘I’m your dad now, and what you are doing is not right. You can’t treat your family like that.’ In some cases, their actions are pushing their families away from God because they negate their witness. We have the freedom and credibility to say things to them no one else has. They want to sit on our floor and see how a husband and wife act, because they don’t even know.”

The Wilsons’ most meaningful testimony is that of their own children. “Our greatest joy is to watch our married kids learn from us and instill those lessons into their marriages. They are still watching us, still proud of us,” Debbie said. Recently their daughter and her husband attended a conference the Wilsons taught at their local church. The senior pastor told them, “My greatest joy was watching your daughter and son-in-law laugh and cry through your conference. You are not just saying something, you are living it.”

“Knowing we are leaving a lasting legacy gives our relationship and ministry credibility,” Debbie said. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” (2 John 1:4.) Find their resources at https://www.marriagemattersnow.org/.