A Therapist with the Heart of a Pastor Brings Decades of Experience to Practice

Nicholas Wilkens, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, PLLC, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor, designated as an approved supervisor for both groups by the Texas Behavioral Health Executive Council. He obtained his Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Mary’s University in San Antonio in 2001 after earning a master’s degree in Theology from Luther Seminary in Minnesota. Not only has Dr. Nick, as he prefers to be called,  taught graduate marriage and family therapy courses at St. Mary’s for more than 15 years, he’s served as clinical supervisor for the Family Life Center, the training clinic for interns of the graduate department of Counseling and Human Services at St. Mary’s since 2003.

That same year Dr. Nick and his family moved to Seguin, where he took the position of executive director for the non-profit Guadalupe Valley Christian Counseling Center, a place where he served until 2020, when he retired to focus on his private practice.

His wife, Ashley Wilkens, LMFT, LPC, is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. The two previously owned Insight Education, LLC, which offered mental health professionals board-approved Continuing Education Units. They retired that business in 2018 to focus on their independent private practices, offices of which can be found in the heart of Stone Oak, 21708 Hardy Oak Blvd, Suite 105, in offices right behind Aldaco’s restaurant.

For the past 25 years Dr. Nick has devoted much of his professional life to helping couples improve their relationships, amassing a wealth of knowledge from his clinical work and teaching experience. He draws his couples’ counseling practices from the Gottman method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, but tailors his approach to each individual couple and their needs. Dr. Nick was an early adopter and one of the first generation of counselors to be trained and certified in a new type of therapy called Discernment Counseling. On his website, Dr. Nick links to discernmentcounseling.com, which describes the process developed by William Doherty, Ph.D., at the University of Minnesota. Dr. Doherty pioneered this innovative and effective way to work with couples when one of the spouses is leaning out of the relationship.

The site offers free training to therapists, counselors, and clergy members, as well as a locator where those interested can connect with counselors like Dr. Nick who are certified and skilled in its techniques. Dr. Nick is the only San Antonio-area counselor who has a place on that list.

“Discernment Counseling has become a revolution in our field,” Dr. Nick said. “Research has shown that at least one-third of couples who come in for marital or couples therapy are ‘mixed agenda’ couples, meaning that one spouse is really on the fence about continuing the marriage or committed relationship while the other is really wanting reconciliation.” Dr. Nick has found these statistics hold true in his counseling experience. Prior to the development of the Discernment Counseling process, therapists had no format to use that worked very well in these circumstances. “Discernment Counseling addresses, and to some extent solves, this perpetual issue for so many couples,” he said.

“There are many reasons for couples not to be on the same page concerning their relationship and/or thoughts about divorce. Some feel that the relationship is already over but have not yet made the move to leave. Some don't see how couples or marital therapy will be effective. Some come in hoping that the therapist will see how bad their relationship is and make the divorce decision for them. Some don't want to hurt their spouse or partner but are really already emotionally out. And many just feel defeated and can't articulate why, how, or what they want to do about it. These are valid and often quite understandable feelings that partners should feel permission to have. But they won't lead to any success in couple's therapy if not expressed.”

Discernment Counseling provides a framework with a specific goal to be accomplished in just a handful of sessions. The counselor will help the couple come to a clear and confident decision whether or not divorce is their best and only option at that time.

“If you or your spouse are considering divorce but not completely sure about it, Discernment Counseling is designed for you. It’s a chance to slowdown, take a breath, learn about what’s happened to your marriage, and look at your options for your marriage,” as written on discernmentcounseling.com.

“The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys and good guys.”

A testimonial posted on Dr. Nick’s website reads, "I was completely out of this marriage, and only showed up because I wanted a professional to tell us it was over. Now, I couldn't love my wife more, and I couldn't love my life more. I thank Dr. Nick for this."

And from another, who eventually chose to divorce, “"We came in for marriage counseling, as a last resort for both of us. Dr. Nick didn't try to talk us into staying together, but helped us clarify how we felt and how we could move forward with our kids as a divorced couple. I will never be able to repay him for that."

Dr. Nick also has developed expertise in helping couples navigate infidelity, whether it be a physical or emotional affair. He defines infidelity as “extramarital involvement that differs from platonic friendship due to the presence of emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistry” and includes a spouse’s pornography addiction in that definition.

“How can a couple reconcile after such a trauma?” he’s asked. “Is there any hope?” Dr. Nick uses an effective approach he’s refined over years of clinical experience and research. Couples can and do recover from infidelity. He helps spouses address everything from initial crisis management to addressing the typical “why did this happen?” questions. He helps both husband and wife navigate the grieving process for the relationship that once was. Many believe infidelity is the primary cause of divorce. But that is a false assumption. Infidelity is often just a symptom of a larger problem. The primary cause of most divorces is the couple growing apart, Dr. Nick has found.

As a therapist with a theology degree, Dr. Nick has a heart for conducting marriage retreats for those looking to enrich their marriage. He’s particularly fond of those held in outdoor locations, where couples can spend time relaxing together in nature while learning new skills and strategies to enhance their relationship. Find out more or schedule an appointment (in person or through telehealth) at www.nicholaswilkensphd.com.